Dear Diary,
I would be lying if I said God and I have been on the same page for a while now, I definitely think that I’m getting there though. Its been a constant back and forth for me. I start my journey, something happens and I tell myself I’m not worthy to be in the presence of God. I don’t know if I punish myself or get angry at God wondering why I can’t stay on track, but I do know that I stop speaking to God, and then I’m lost. This cycle has been going on for about over a year now, and as I repeat this cycle, I think I’m drawing further and further away, but looking back at who I am from who I was last year, I am like two steps closer to Him. Its funny that it has taken me so long to realize that I can do it, and the love that God has for me is never ending no matter what happens.
Let me give you a timeline of how I completely lost faith and how I got it back:
2013 – Summer of 2013 my Grandpa died & I had deferred my acceptance to school for a semester :
I definitely thought that was it, I switched off for a very long time after that, it took me a while to realize that He wouldn’t want to see me this lost, this tired, so I spoke to God and I got back on track, I’m still standing.
2014 – College started and I lost my way:
I didn’t have friends around me that wanted to walk with me with God, but I was a freshman and I wanted friends. The first 6 months of college I was going through a heartbreak, my first actual heartbreak. The 6th month and I told God I couldn’t live that sad any more, I’m still standing.
2015 – Two relationships started and ended:
That was the only issue I had and it really made me question what could be wrong with me that this kept happening, the second relationship makes me laugh now that I look at it, God and I went back and forth on it, I would pray “God if he’s not the one, show me that he isn’t“, of course God would show me over and over again (I know many women do this) and I would say oh its not enough and I would keep fasting and praying over a matter God has shown me the solution to just because I didn’t like the answer He gave me. A year of this, I’m still standing.
2016 – Here & Now
Let me not even start on this year, its not over year, so get back to me 1st of January 2017 and I can give you an update, but spoiler alert (I will still be standing)
2016 has been HARD, like this year has tested me, broken me, thrown me, and spat me back out, yet I’m still here, I’m still standing, and I’m aware that’s not by my grace, nor by my will because I know if it were up to me I would be DONE, many times I’ve sat down and said “I’m done, I don’t care anymore, it can’t possibly get any worse than it is” then it gets a little worse. God is showing you that you can do it, you can go through all these things and still be here,
Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
So my advice to anyone who tells themselves they aren’t worthy:
Isaiah 58:11 – The Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
He wont leave you, He loves you, you just need to learn to love yourself like He loves you. When you can do that, your journey gets easier, loving him gets easier, peace is easier to reach.
Timilehin Solesi is am Information Systems Major with a minor in Computer Science at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County. Watch out for a youtube channel coming soon!
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SANDRA ADEYEMI 